Blackmoor Vituperative

This arrived today: my swag from the “new” Mystery Science Theater 3000 Kickstarter. I am debating whether to keep them or sell them on Ebay. I am leaning toward selling them: they are a painful reminder of what could have been. “What could have been”, of course, is a new Mystery Science Theater that is actually good. Or at least, not utterly dreadful, which is what it is.

Utterly dreadful.

It needn’t have been dreadful. It could have been great. If they’d not edited the movies for time or content (they are actually shorter than the Comedy Central episodes!). If they’d not taken the lazy way out with the invention exchanges (I mean, seriously, why did they even bother). If the riffs were not being recited at double-speed like old-timey auctioneers. If the voice actors for Tom Servo and Crow didn’t sound indistinguishable from each other. If the lyrics of the opening theme didn’t jar egregiously with the melody, and if it didn’t pause inexplicably for ten seconds for no apparent reason (why? why??). If the three-person puppeteering of Tom and Crow wasn’t worse than the worst that Josh, Trace, Kevin, or Bill ever did. If the interior of the Satellite Of Love didn’t look like a cheap painted backdrop. If the Hexfield Viewscreen (TM) hadn’t been replaced with a simple screen that drops from the ceiling. If Gypsy hadn’t been attached to the ceiling for no apparent reason, limiting her movement and interactivity. If they hadn’t made Tom Servo’s arms stiff and even less articulate. And don’t get me started on the dysfunctional in-theater performances (flying stiff-armed Tom Servo, random Gypsy luggage-handling, lip-synced riffing… again: why??).

I could go on, and on, and on. Did I mention the completely unnecessary editing of the films? That, by itself, is enough reason to eschew this travesty.

And yet, I am glad I supported the Kickstarter. Because it might have been great — or at least good. It might have been worth what I — and hundreds of other people — spent money on. It might have been….

sigh

Update: I sold some, gave away the rest. It has been a relief not to have those reminders around. I sincerely hope that this is the last I hear of this fetid imitation.

I think Republicans need some help selling their message to folks who aren’t yet completely on board with embracing evil. So I wrote up some taglines for them.

“Remember: there is always someone poorer than you. Hate them! They are to blame for their problems — and yours!”

“Good is weak; evil is strong. Support the Republican Party, and maybe we won’t kill you!”

“The only way to help yourself is to never help anyone else. A penny spent to help someone worse off than you is a penny wasted!”

“The United States is a Christian nation! Only the Republicans will preserve your precious religious freedom to support a Republican theocracy.”

“Remember: minimum wage laws are Socialism, which is anti-American. People who cook and serve your food deserve to starve!”

“War is good for the nation. Never question how much we spend on it. The more war, the better!”

“Remember: being a Republican is your only hope of becoming a victimizer, rather than a victim.”

“No matter who you are or what you believe, the Republican Party hates you: but we hate women and foreigners even more!”

“This message brought to you by the Republican Party: the party of lies, hatred, and death!”

“Making America Great Again, One Swastika At A Time”

Anyone who calls themselves a Republican, or votes for a Republican, is just unapologetically evil. That wasn’t always true. But the Republicans of the 21st century aren’t the Republicans of 150 years ago, or 50 years ago, or even 20 years ago. It’s become the party of lies, hatred, and death.

I have been rewatching a lot of 1980s fantasy movies lately. While putting Warrior And The Sorceress back on the shelf, I happened to notice Your Highness, which I’d completely forgotten about. I really like this movie. It’s a comedy, but it’s not a spoof. It’s like what would happen if a guy who really shouldn’t be in a 1980s fantasy movie got dragged into one against his will. Great cast, very funny, and has all of the best parts of the 1980s fantasy movies that I love.

It’s really hard to “promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate” when what you used to love (Star Wars, Star Trek, Mystery Science Theater 3000, mainstream superhero comics, etc.) has been turned into crap by people squeezing every last dime they can out of it.

sigh… But I’m trying. I really am.