Blackmoor Vituperative

I bought myself a rainbow metallic Zomchi “safety razor”. I have never owned or used a safety razor before, and I was pretty afraid to start. Still, generations used these, so how hard could it be?

It was much easier than I feared. I held it at a thirty degree angle (or as close as I could), pressed lightly but consistently (as much as I could), and shaved. It took a few passes to get my face smooth, and some areas still seem a bit stubbly, but I think I did pretty well on my first try.

The razor is even prettier than the image in the listing. It is made of three pieces, which have excellent “fit and finish”, as the kids say. Assembly and replacing the blade was pretty straightforward. I think I would have to be pretty careless to cut myself while changing the blade, but I was attentive and careful, even so.

I am pleased with this. It wasn’t expensive, and it’s a solid little razor that feels good to use.

[I enjoy doing this sort of thing, and I think I have an eye for it. If I were a bit more ambitious, I would try to do it as a “side hustle”.]

“Psychological warfare has a new meme for your approval, Your Majesty.”

“What is this, Klytus: some new form of torture?”

“Most amusing, Your Majesty. These are a form of propaganda used on the Earth.”

(Ming examines the image)

“Would you like to explain why there is a Frigian labour beast next to the exalted name of MING THE MERCILESS, or should I call for the bore worms now?”

“Of course, Your Majesty may do as he pleases in all things, and I embrace the opportunity to display my undying loyalty. But as it happens, that is the current year according to the reckoning of the people of the planet ‘Earth’. The animal is a symbol of strength, ruthlessness, and nobility. It is known locally as a ‘jumbo’.”

“What primitive creatures these Earthlings are. And the purpose of this image?”

“Why, to grant the Earthlings hope, Your Majesty.”

“Hope?”

“Hope that you will show mercy, Your Majesty.”

(Ming pauses, then slowly claps, exactly three times)

(laughing) “Well done, Klytus. I look forward to reports on the psychological damage.”

(chuckling) “Thank you, Your Majesty. HAIL MING!”

P.S.

Being an actor must be such a strange job. You wear what someone else picked out, stand where they say to stand, and say what they wrote for you to say. And yet, it is so much more difficult to do than that makes it sound (I have only had a couple of amateur performances in my past, but it was enough to learn that much).

Then (if it’s film or whatever), you spend days, weeks, months, traveling from city to city just to sit and repeat the same half-dozen sentences about it for “interview” after “interview”. (Do they even get paid for any of that?)

And then, when the product is complete, you bear the brunt of the blame for the end result, even though you just did what you were told to do.

And whether you even get the job in the first place is dependent on factors so far beyond your control that joining Scientology or Keith Raniere’s bonkers sex cult seem like good alternatives.

Show business, man. It ain’t for sissies. (I think Betty White said that, originally, but I may be mistaken.)

"Because nothing says 'privilege' quite like offering unsolicited advice to an entire generation."

Most of the time, the brand doesn’t matter. Don’t waste your money. Buy store brands when you can.

However, no one makes English muffins like Thomas’ English Muffins. They are the English muffins to buy.

Bays are also quite good.

• 1 Thomas English muffin
• 1 slice Canadian bacon
• 1 egg
• 2 tbsp butter

Microwave egg at 50% for 2:30.

Season to taste.