Blackmoor Vituperative

Kiki loves orange. Capri loves strawberry. Lola loves pineapple. Sophia loves grape. Who doesn’t “wanta Fanta” when the Fantanas wiggle and jiggle onto the screen, bringing cool, fruit-flavored refreshment to accident victims and sweaty bell-hops? The Fantanas, singing and dancing and sporting mod, colorful beach gear, are difficult to resist, but is there more to The Fantanas than their cool fruitiness and Fanta-tastical flavors? There are many questions which yet remain unanswered.

Where is Fantana Island?

According to the official Fanta web site, Fantana Island is in the Caribbean: a small, lush island in the Archipelago of Fant. However, neither Fantana Island nor the Archipelago of Fant appear on any map!

What happened to Tonya?

According to the Fanta Help page, The Fantanas are four girls: Tonya, Sofia, Capri, and Lola. However, on the main Fanta page under the heading “Fantanas Uncovered”, you will not find the Fantanas without their tropical-colored beachwear (which is what I was expecting). Instead, you will discover that the current roster of The Fantanas includes Kiki, Capri, Lola, and Sophia. When did Sofia change her name to Sophia? Was the change is spelling meant to make her more appealing to American audiences, by reminding us of the great Italian actress Sophia Loren? More importantly, what happened to Tonya? Did the puppet-masters behind The Fantanas think they could replace Tonya with Kiki, and no one would notice? What terrible secret did Tonya discover which made her “retirement” necessary? Is Kiki, the new leader of the group, aware of the spectre that lingers over her ascension to power? Why was she chosen over the current members? Is Kiki a tool of the puppet-masters, placed in power to keep the rest of The Fantanas in line? We may never know the truth behind Tonya’s disappearance, but we do know that her example has had a chilling effect on the rest of the girls: since Kiki replaced Tonya, none of The Fantanas has dared to even mention their former leader.

Does Fanta cause mutation?

When The Fantanas first appeared, they appeared to be a healthy, ethnically diverse group of girls bringing fun and refreshment. However, photos of Capri have recently begun circulating, in which her right arm is clearly misshapen, stunted and warped in a manner not unlike the birth defects caused by thalidomide. Is this evidence of an unknown toxin in the Fanta formula? Is this degenerative mutation behind the unexplained disappearance of Tonya? If so, will the rest of The Fantanas also succumb to its sinister effects? And if they do, will Capri, Sofia/Sophia, and Lola be replaced in the same mysterious manner? Only time will tell.

Just remember: you heard it here first.