Blackmoor Vituperative

This is one of a few in-character World Of Warcraft blog posts I wrote in the early 2000s and posted to rp-haven.com. The author of this is Figli Brassboots, a gnomish warrior, like his father Fugli before him.

Click the thumbnails for larger images with more details.

August 8, 2008, “Arrival in Ironforge”

To mein dearest sister Migli,

Hello from ze draenei land! After meeting ze friendly draenei women in Ironforge, I was very curious to see more of zese giant people with ze horns und ze horse-feet. Und zo, I went to ze island of their city, which is being called Exodar. Exodar ist ze very unusual city! It is all glowing und sparkly und is mostly made of stone, but is being made from crystal alzo. One of ze most unusual traits I am seeing is ze transparent floor, which is allowing you to see where you are going before you get there! It also allows you to wave at friends, which is nice, but most people do not look up, und zo are not waving back.

Ze draenei city is being lit very brightly, but you will not see torches! Zis was being a great mystery, but ze draenei I ask about zis are not understanding my question. Und zo, I am haffink to investigate into ze nature of ze draenei lighting system. After much exploration, I make a discovery — ze draenei city is powered by ze magical wind chimes! Apparently, zis power source is so vigorous, it can light ze entire draenei city all by itself! I am thinking we need one of zese wind chimes for Ironforge, und maybe Gnomeregan, alzo!

Ze draenei city is being a wealth of valuable minerals. Mein battle chicken, Kluckenspeil, is helping me to find zese minerals on many occasions, but he is not very good at ze mining. Even zo, I let him peck at ze stone und let him think he is being ze help to me. He is a good chicken.

Ze draenei peoples are haffink many enemies in their new home. One enemy of ze draenei is ze bear people, which are being called firbolgs. Some of these are fighting ze draenei, but zis is because ze draenei dropped pieces of crystal all over ze place when they came to ze island, und ze crystals are being poisonous to ze animals und ze plants in ze manner much like what I have heard about Gnomeregan. I am thinking zis makes ze draenei having problems much like ze gnomes, but without haffink ze dwarf friends to be taking them in! Zis makes me want to be a help to them, und zo I am performing ze investigations und solving ze problems for them und things of zis nature.

Zo anyway, ze firbolgs are some fighting ze draenei, but some are wanting to be friends. The bad firbolgs are also fighting ze good firbolgs. I learned zis when I was asked to rescue a pincess from ze bad firbolgs. Ja, a princess! You can be imagining my surprise when I rescue ze princess und discover she is a firbolg, alzo. No princess kisses for Figli!

Some of ze draenei enemies I haff seen before, like ze pink elfen. I do not know why ze bad pink elfen are attacking ze draenei und summoning up ze monsters und demons und other things of a most calamitous nature. I help ze draenei with ze finding of a leader of ze bad pink elfen, und they gave him a trial und decided to kill him. Zis is puzzling me for several reasons. First, why are they haffink a trial for zis pink elf, Matis, when they are not haffink trials for ze other pink elfen, whom they are just killing? Also, I am thinking I do not understand ze draenei systems of ze legality und ze judiciality, because all they did was to say to ze pink elf, “You haff been found guilty, und we are to be killink you in ze morning!”, but I was not seeing ze evidence or ze formal accusations or ze back und forth und back und forth such as is ze case in ze gnomish courts of judicious decisioneering. But maybe they are haffink zis when I am not looking, maybe. Anyway, ze pink elfen was definitely one of ze bad pink elfen, because he was spitting und saying things about enslaving ze magical wind chime und torturing people und other things of a most vicious und malevolent nature.

Ze most ferocious enemies of ze draenei are ze snake men being called ze naga, und are definitely ze most ferocious creatures! Many times, I am haffink to fight ze hardest I have ever fought! But do not worry, I am always being careful und am using ze superior gnomish tactics, und zis is why I am always winning in ze battles!

Ze naga are haffink ze interesting statues. I think it is being ze naga queen, or maybe ze naga goddess, or something of zis nature. I would like to ask them about zis, but they are not ze communicative people. Still, it is ze most artistic looking statue!

Near to ze draenei is ze most astounding monster of all: ze ghost of ze dragon from times long ago! I was not believing zis when I am first being told it, but then I went und looked for myself und discovered it to be true! Unfortunately, I was not being careful enough with ze sneaking, und ze ghost dragon wanted to eat me, even though he was ze ghost und does not need to eat anymore — certainly not gnomes! So I was haffink to kill him again, although when he is remembering that he is already dead, he will be very annoyed, I am thinking! But I am long gone by then. Papa did not raise any stupid gnomes!

I am saving ze best news for ze last. Ze draenei are riding great beasts of ze most extraordinary und gigantic nature, which are being called elekks. They let me ride one of the elekks on a temporary basis so that I could carry important messages to many draenei in different places on ze island. Zis was an experience of ze most exhilarating nature! Ze draenei in charge of ze elekks is saying that when I have done many favors for ze draenei und proved I am trustworthy and a friend to ze draenei peoples, that I can have an elekk to ride for myself. So I am working very hard now!

I must to be wrapping up zis letter, because mein ship has arrived for taking me to Ashenvale, where ze draenei und ze blue elfen are needing ze help of brave gnome warriors. I will be writing again soon!

Your brother in love und respect,
Figli, son of Fugli