Blackmoor Vituperative

30 minutes into the RiffTrax of “The Last Jedi”. This is the second time I’ve seen the movie. It is even worse than I remember. It’s like a badly written satire of a Star Wars movie (and by that I mean the movie, not the RiffTrax commentary).

How could this have happened? “The Force Awakens” was SO GOOD. So they KNOW how to make a good Star Wars movie, yet they deliberately chose NOT to.

Ye gods. So very bad. And it just. Keeps. Getting. Worse. Holy crap.

Two hours in. Wow. It’s like they went into this saying, “Let’s make a movie that mocks everything Star Wars fans love.” And then someone else said, “Yes, good. But let’s do it so ineptly that people will be making fun of this movie’s obvious flaws long after we are all dead.” And the first person says, “Right, right. Not just bad writing, but the kind of overtly, impossibly bad writing that even high school students will be wondering what kind of idiots we are.” And the second person says, “Brilliant! But we need to make sure we piss on everything that makes Star Wars fun. We need to ruin it utterly. This will be a movie that only people who hate Star Wars will like, and then only in that hateful, ‘My ex-boyfriend lost his job’ kind of way.” And the first person was all laughing and saying, “Perfect!”

And then a third person comes in, overhears that, and says, “OMG, that is HILARIOUS. And I have an idea. Some time toward the end, we should have the Slowest Starship Chase In The Universe ®.” And then an old white guy in an expensive suit comes out of his office, and says, “I heard all of that, and I have only one thing to say…” And the three writers are all afraid they are going to be fired. But then the suit says, “The Slowest Starship Chase In The Universe ® … is the ENTIRE MOVIE.” And they all crack up laughing, because they all hate Star Wars SO MUCH.

P.S.

I just watched “How Star Wars The Last Jedi Should Have Ended” again, after recently seeing Last Jedi again (which is still just awful). The folks at How It Should Have Ended GET IT. They understand what was wrong with this movie, and how it could have been a worthy follow-up to “Force Awakens” (which was fantastic). It vexes me that the bigots and misogynists get all the attention for criticizing “Last Jedi”, because their reasons for hating it are STUPID. Rey is AWESOME. Finn is AWESOME. But “Last Jedi” wasted both characters, and it dumped hot wet garbage all over what makes Star Wars wonderful. If only the people who made “Last Jedi” loved Star Wars and understood what makes a movie great, the way the folks at How It Should Have Ended clearly do.